lalala

My bags are packing,

I’m unsure to go.  Half of me wanna stay, but staying wields me nth i can chase after at this point of my life. going beyond the horizon, i have choices of new explorations.  and it’s tempting.  but yes, going back means abiding by rules, losing some form of freedom. 

missing nights of just hanging out with friends. watching late night movies. crashing people’s place. sitting out at hostel balcony talking about life. basically, hanging out late.

why? partly because, its unsafe outside at night. because im a girl. because others know whats best & safe. because its also unsafe in the day.

production work, here i come, throwing myself at you. gaining life, experience and money. slaving for a better future? the adrenalin of production pushes me, despite the weariness. crazy weariness that knows no time nor day. satisfaction comes when you know you slave for something you love. like me.

i need to reanalyze why i love theatre. cause i think i lost it somewhere among the 3 years i have been studying it. i saw a glimmer of my love on an unexpected night- school drama done by non-theatre students, out there to have fun, take a message through- without the conventions. ah, convention kills. education makes us stupider. we are so confined by the boundaries of our supposedly well-earned knowledge that we forget how to explore and learn. we study for the sake of grades, yes, even in theatre. we churn out all the theories, make ourselves pedestalled critics of the art- but we forget, i forget- why in the first place i chose theatre. why i love theatre. therefore, i come to the conclusion that nothing on earth is meant just for the fun of it, there’s work and pain. there’s the possibility that i might be so engrossed in its principles and workings that i forget the fun in it.

let 13 march be a reminder,etched deeply into me- the night i question again why the heck am i in theatre.

in hope that if ever i forget again, 13 march will be the silver lining at the end of the tunnel. 13/3/08